Wednesday, April 04, 2007


"The Wisdom Is Not Actually in the Teeth"

A couple of weeks ago, Groom, at age 36, had two wisdom teeth extracted. Since he'd had the bottom teeth taken out during college, he had only the top two with which to contend. One of his top buckers had emerged from the gum and, with no wisdom tooth on the lower jaw beneath it to grind against, this tooth had then continued to grow, unchecked. Basically, he had an inside-the-mouth fang, which, luckily, is just how all the Red Carpet Hollywood celebs are wearing their fangs this year. On the other side of his skull, Groom had an impacted wisdom tooth; the lily-livered thing was afraid to peer out into the light of day. Or the light of soft palate.

Except soft palates aren't really renowned for their light.

So the tooth was afraid to peer out into the, er, moist, soft darkness of the mouth cave. Now *that's* lily-livered, eh? I mean, what's so scary about a moist, dark place, ya big Tooth Wussy?

Well, bats, for one. They're found in moist, dark places (not so much mouths, though), and they're scary. If you fall asleep in a cave, after a long day of spelunking, bats will crawl down your throat and suffocate you.

You maybe didn't know that. I'm a regular font of little-known facts like that. If you ever need to know what to do with a shoelace and a bottle of lotion, just ask me. I've got the knowledge locked up.

So, to summarize this post so far: Groom had one too-big tooth that hurt and one no-show tooth that hurt, and bats are possessed of a rare evil.

On the day of his tooth extraction, Groomeo was nervous, fidgety even, which is a rarity. Normally, Groom is Walking Zen, all contented fluid control (he's like the fog...everywhere at once so subtly that you can breathe him but not touch him). But that day, he was a little twitchy, scratchy, jerky.

To assuage his nerves, I tried making a dramatic show of complimenting him: "What a Big Boy you are! If it hurts when you wake up, I'll have a Tootsie Pop and a Harry Potter sticker waiting for you, sweetie!!!! And you're such a strong, fine lad that I'm sure you'll be back on your skateboard, doing tricks outside the public library, in no time."

Oddly, his twitching gained momentum.

The surgery went well--he didn't have any psychological breaks due to the anaesthesia or provide me with any new material by waking up sobbing, "Beethoven...Beethoven...bound through the meadow towards me, my love! Embrace me!"--and a few hours later, we headed home where he began the long, slow process of recovery.

I was ready for the bloody gauze, the swollen chipmunk cheeks, and the unfocused Lortab pupils. But I hadn't realized he would also need to rinse his mouth every half hour, for, well, let's see how long it's been now--um, TWO WEEKS. Basically, he's been carrying around a Nalgene bottle full of a salt/baking soda potion, and no matter where we're at, he faithfully does the swish and spit. Parking meters, the kids' hair, tree trunks, and people waiting at the bus stop...all have felt the spray of his rinse.

Once or twice, when we've all been out somewhere together, I've forgotten about the All-Important Rinse Bottle and tried to give the kids a drink from it. As a result, my son has a new love for "savory water" and will no doubt dip a cup into the Pacific Ocean one day, when he visits the West Coast, raising his salty drink in a toast to Good Ole Pappy.

As the healing has progressed, there have been a few setbacks; for example, a stitch popped well before the date when it should have. After that, like the pearls falling off my heirloom choker when I snagged it on Laura Bush's brooch at a State Dinner, the stitches began a steady plink, plink, plink of unraveling. And then, well, the smell began. (No, not at the State Dinner. The White House actually has a reasonably talented chef, one who uses shallots to great effect and who keeps bad smells to a minimum. Keep up with me here.)

The smell began inside Groom's mouth. Personally, I stayed far enough away that I could just take his word for it--we wouldn't want The Lurve to suffer, after all. But he spent several days shaking his head, noting, "Man, my mouth reeks." Then he'd pick up his Nalgene bottle and do the swish 'n rinse.

Shortly thereafter, The Flap became an issue. What with the stitches gone (and, er, our phone out of order so that he couldn't call the oral surgeon's office for aid), a flap of unhealed skin hung down. I envisioned it as a stage curtain that could be drawn when the bits of trapped rice and ham were ready to perform and then closed again after they took their bows. I considered buying tickets to see The Flap.

But then, one afternoon, Groom approached me rather tentatively and admitted, "I just swallowed The Flap. It sort of, well, fell off right when I was drinking, and down the hatch it went."

R.I.P, Flap.

A consequence of The Flap's demise was that there is now even less protection between Groom's upper gum and his sinuses, where the impacted tooth was extracted. Only the thinnest of partitions separates these areas now, until new tissue grows to fill things in.

All of this leads me to the question that now occupies me most: Since the reek has gone away, and, thus, I now feel like getting near The Groom again, is it possible that I might try to lay a passionate kiss on him some night, only to have my tongue come out his nostril?

44 comments:

Hammer said...

ewww. Very funny story!


I had mine out 20 years ago and had to do the exact same thing.
the rinsing and not being able to eat solid food was horrible.

One day I sneezed out my stitches
along with some gunk that was hiding in the cavity. Enough to gag a maggot.

furiousBall said...

Ahh super. I had my top two out right after college and I am needing the bottom two out soon and I'm 36. So I'll get a smelly mouth too....sweet. Just what I need to complete my ensemble of a middle aged man.

Claire said...

TMI! TMI!
LMAO...
Seriously, I tell everyone who asks, but few do, get all four removed at once! It's just silly to do it any other way (like the way your Groom and I did it for example). eeewwww!
When my hubby goes to the dentist, everyone in the whole office has to march in and look at his grown-in, intact wisdom teeth. They marvel at what a throw back he is.

ldbug said...

Oh ouch!!!

and ick

and maybe you should keep your tongue from toooo much exploring for a bit;-P

ldbug said...

I only ever had two wisdom teeth, had 'em out at 20...I think I'm evolved seeing as only two were ever there to begin with;-P

oreneta said...

OK, not much makes me squirm, but THAT was


G R O S S ! ! !

My husband had his out at the tender age of about 43....he was a miserable bunny...4, all impacted...he didn't have to do any sort of rinse thing though...strange.

Patience said...

Gag. Barf. Ick. Ewwwww. Yuck.

For me this would mean no kissing. Not for years to come. At least not until the tooth hole is healed. Completely and permanently.

He swallowed his skin flap?!? Blech!! Excuse me whilest I find a private place in which to hurl.

lime said...

i dunno about your tongue coming out groom's nostril but i just had my drink shoot out my nostrils! do you know how hard it is to read the word veri through a haze of mucous infused hard cider?

Mother of Invention said...

You are a hoot! I've never heard of anyone swallowing the flap before! When I had 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed, I pinned a sign to my chest asking the surgeon to ,"Save my womper chompers!" and when I woke up, they were in a test tube on the table!!! Of course, the meal came up to my room and was this steak leather! How dumb! Man, was I bruised for 3 weeks and could hardly eat a thing!

WanderingGirl said...

If it does, take a picture and blog it. Now THAT is worth paying money for.

Balou said...

What great visuals you put in my head! I won't draw a cartoon of your tongue coming out of his nose though. ;) Here, you can make him a little more paranoid. Tell him balou thinks he should cover his flapless hole with his tongue when he blows his nose or if he has to sneeze. It might blow through. (I'm evil.)

Dorky Dad said...

Tongue coming out of his nostril. Cool. I wish I could do that. With my tongue. Out of my nostril. I'd be fun at parties.

I have no wisdom teeth. Never had them. Lucky me. (Insert wisdom joke here)

urban-urchin said...

I dunno Mcguyver but as someone who has watched far too many medical shows, I'd advise against it.

I had mine out at 25, and I got dry socket. I feel for groomeo. That and I will NEVER fall asleep near bats now.

Infinitesimal said...

OK not to call him a pussy, which you already did, and by the way, um there is a big grey censor box over that whole paragraph... maybe it's just my computer, but yeah, can't read that one paragraph with the P word in it because it is too dirty... blogger put a grey box over it. They do that to me on my bitch blog if I get too political. Weird, huh?

Anyway,

not to call him a pussy, but

I had to have 4 wisdom teeth and 4 regular teeth pulled when I was 17
and the oral surgeon
he wanted to do them 2 at a time
and I said:

Buddy,

You torture me once,
I will never come back,
so you better do it all at once.

He went pale, looked at me with a look I have never seen and begged me to reconsider.

i declined, I told him, take what you are gonna take out today because I ain't never coming back.

I have never been so high in my life girl!

I got the gas
i got the pills
and
i got the shot

well,
I had my own apartment at 17, and a job and was in highschool still

and so i walked home from the surgery and rested that day

the next day, mouth packed with cotton, missing 8 EIGHT teeth, I went to work
at the front counter of a bakery...
the doctor did not give me any pain pills.

(bastard)

and I worked until I bled on the countertop and was sent home.

and I went to work the next day too.

yeah, that's my story


goodnight

Infinitesimal said...

oh sorry, you call the tooth a pussy,

in any case, that grey box is still there, and i never did call your fabulous husband a puss.


ever.

Princess Pointful said...

Damn!!! Smelly mouth??
I would ask him to do a full tongue probing of his entire mouth for you first, and report back on any new passages or textures.

Top cat said...

I had to skip through this post cause I've had dental work and surgery done before and I started having flashbacks.
I'd rather have suffocating bats crawling all over me than go through that stuff again.lol
tc

Diana said...

Yeast. Yeast also likes moist, dark places. And we all know what a large colony of yeast in one's caves is capable of....

Poor groom! I got to see my groom's teeth of wisdom all pulled. The best was the one like a corkscrew, the roots all twisted around each other. He got steriods and percocet and gas.

(Me? I had all mine out, too, but just got shots and the codeine, which is a rung down on the ladder. Never did get my Harry Potter sticker, not to mention a Tootsie Pop. I've been gypped.)

Now who's the real hero in all this? You, of course, for having to avoid all the lovin' for the duration. Now, just stick a wad of gauze or a chunk of carrot to cork hole at the back of his mouth and have a good night.

Jazz said...

When I got mine out, I had a sort of syringe with a curved end to shoot water into the hole. A sort of manual waterpik.

Nasty it all was. And nowhere near as funny as your story

urban-urchin said...

Back to say- post a comment on mine with your email (i have verification on and won't publish the comment).

Dayngr said...

OMG that is hilarious. I don't know whether to answer your ending question or ask about the lotion and shoe lace. Hmmm...

BeachMama said...

That is the best description of having teeth pulled I have ever heard. But, I am also thankful that I don't ever need to have that happen.

Balou said...

What is up with that gray box? I thought it was just me. The box starts in the middle of the line "gum and with no wisdom tooth..." and covers up everything until the line beginning with "hurt and one no-show tooth..." Does blogger really censor stuff as infinitesimal said? And if so, how dare they cover up YOUR words.

yinyang said...

Weird, especially your last question. Guess this is what I have to look forward to when they get around to yanking out my wisdom teeth. Joy.

Oh, and hi! :)

my4kids said...

very funny story you definetly like your rabbit trails don't you?
My bil had a tooth pulled like that a couple of years ago and that happened. It didn't fill in. He still has a hole from his jaw to his sinuses....eew.

Jocelyn said...

Okay, CensorBlogger, I have gone into my post and changed the bad P-U-S-S-Y into the word "wussy," thus sacrificing my artistic sensibility for y'all.

frannie said...

ok- first- gross. sorry, but that was gross. and yes, I am in the second grade.

second- are you serious about bats? will they go down your throat?

I had all four of mine removed at once and they were impacted. but it wasn't as gross as your groom's.

again- gross!

jen said...

you know, before i even read this i thought, this woman is the funniest person i've met in a long time.

and then i read this, and thought, yep. this is exactly what i mean.

i had mine out years ago, but you pretty much summed it up perfectly, flap and all.

Infinitesimal said...

Reconfigure the splendid PUSSY babe, cause the box, she's still up!!

I do not know what the deal is, but I guess it is only for us lucky few...


either that, or blogger don't like bats...

cause you know there are straight up porn blogs out there that do not get censored...

Infinitesimal said...

DIRTY MOUTH?

Clean it up with NEW ORBIT GUM!!!!



hahahaha

could not help it

get the genius pun?

gum??

get it???

hahahahaha


I kill me


wonder why i am still single??

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

That is one of the grossest post I have ever read .....especially when you described kissing him at the end. I am trying to scrape my brain with a knife to remove the image! Yet I was morbidly interested all the way. I am a sick puppy.

actonbell said...

Ack! Dental issues. Glad this is over with, for your hubby.

Okay, I give up--what do you do with shoelaces and lotion? Don't tell me that the laces are going to come out of someone's nostril, though.

Glamourpuss said...

Most unpleasant - my gag reflex got a good workout there. Thanks. I think...

Puss

Tracey said...

Gee...thanks...I needed this just before breakfast. Ah, well, I've been meaning to start that diet anyway.

velvet girl said...

Oh, what an unpleasant ordeal!! Poor groom and poor you.

I never had any wisdom teeth at all. You have no idea how lucky I feel about it after reading this. Yucko!

Jocelyn said...

My, my, but you are a gaggy gaggle.

I suppose if I showed up with a disembodied head and asked you to hold it for me, you'd hurl, too. Wusses!

See, I'd need you to hold the head while I filled it with lotion and then tied a shoe lace around its neck--in a kind of saucy bow tie, you see.

*That's* what you do with lotion and a shoelace.

Diesel said...

Gaaaahhhh! Speaking of bats and maggots, you'll never guess what I found under a pile of wood the other day.

Actually, with a hint like that you probably will guess. Still, it wasn't half as gross as this story. I just got back from the emergency room for my son's dislocated elbow, and I've had enough queasiness for a while, thanks.

I love your "caption," btw. Your wonderful readers are welcome to play as well.

Infinitesimal said...

was reading the "hidden text" and thinking the grey box was gone, and suddenly

BANG

there it was again

grey box must have been napping, or maybe on the shitter.

anyway...

I made a new fresh post all about Wussies, but with a P instead of a W

and there is a disembodied "something" there too.


well,

see ya.

Kerry said...

It's too early for me, lol.
Love your blog.

Lee said...

Dude, you made my nipples pucker...and no...not in the good way.

If you do decide to let your tongue wander about in there, let me be the first to beg you, "Please don't blog about it!"

Now I'm really extra wishing I hadn't eaten all those Funyuns.

P.S. Will bats really do that?

Lee said...

Also, I would delicately submit that penises also like dark, warm moist places.

Ahem.

Or so I hear.

Jill said...

I had mine taken out about ten years ago. I don't know what they knocked me out with, but when I woke up, I felt GOOD. Might even be worth having it done again to get some more of that stuff.

(Just kidding. It hurt muchly after the anethesia wore off, and I can't condone surgery just to get the narcotics in any case.)

CS said...

I , um, well, I can only say Ewww. I'm suddenly very glad never to have had wisdm tooth problems.

Spider Girl said...

I love the surrealness that your blog sometimes puts in my day... :)

My only experience with tooth extraction occurred many years ago, but remains memorable because of the hallucination induced by the general anesthesia: the band Def Leppard gathered at my side mumbling the lyrics to 'Armageddon It' in my ear. True story.

Hope kissing the Groom is trauma-free here on in...