Sunday, June 10, 2007












"The New Meth...Wait, No, Even More Addictive Than That: The New Chocolate"

About fifteen years ago, I took up cross-stitching for all of two months. Single and childless, I was looking for a hobby, and the idea of handiwork tapped in to my desire to share pursuits, outside of grinding corn and sitting in straight-backed chairs in my whale-bone corset, with my colonial ancesors. So I got a hoop and some floss and started making all those little X-s into pictures.

After two months, I had a moment of awakening: I didn't actually have a need in my life for little stitched pictures to--what?--frame. Plus, sitting inside under artificial light with my head bent in the height of summer struck me as one of my dumber notions, as well.

I decided it was time to lift my head and venture out into the sunshine. Whilst under the rays, shading my eyes, I peered around for a new hobby.

For awhile, I occupied myself with lacing a pair of snowshoes. Again, though, my head was bent, my neck was sore, and who can watch the Oscars in their full glory that way? So then I made a lot of mixed tapes. Inside. In the middle of the night.

From reading to handiwork, my natural hobbirific inclinations have always taken me back to the world of dim lights and head-bent posture, which leaves me feeling I could have been one hell of a hooker.

The good news is that I have recently decided to ride an entirely new hobbyhorse, and this time, I can keep my head held high and throw my shoulders back--drawing in the daylight--as I slap the reins and dig in my heels.

Friends, I've decided to use my spare time to become litigious.

Yes, I know there are plenty of lawsuits out there already. But they are often frivolous, ultimately effecting no great societal change. I aim to come up with real challenges to the law, the results of which will overthrow our current ways of thinking. I am a revolutionary.

Instead of buying hoops and embroidery floss, my new hobby requires only imagination, the faintest acquaintance with the law, and a burning desire for undeserved money. I have all three.

Having sent in my dues and registration to the national organization, The LSS (Litigious System Suckers), I am ready to roll.

Specifically, for my first project, I will be suing Universal Studios, the parent company (read: having the deepest pockets) overseeing the production of the current television show Battlestar Galactica. My beef is this: one episode at a time, the writers and actors of this program are giving me an ulcer. As the groom and I lurch through the first season on DVD, I find my stomach in knots, clenching, releasing, flopping over. Universal should be held financially accountable--do we not all agree?--for not only the ulcer developing in my stomach but also, perhaps more importantly, for my lost sleep (which then affects job performance) and shredded cuticles (a lifetime's supply of free manicures at the spa of my choice seems a fair settlement).

Universal, your show is killing me. Even worse, you've made it so addictive that I am beyond helping myself. My ailments have become your responsibility, so pay up. And if you won't, I'll turn my attentions to the Sci-Fi channel, which airs the show. Short and simple: someone is going down.

This lawsuit will not be completely straightforward, of course, as there are many subtleties beyond getting Universal to pay for my cocktail of ulcer medications (brain flash: maybe a cocktail would be just the medicine!). For example, my husband, normally a steady, calm fellow, actually imagined himself, as he ran a weekly trail race the other day, being chased by Galactica's villains: the Cylons. As Groom dodged amongst the birches and pines, slogging away in the mud, he envisioned himself in peril from those vengeaful robots, to the point that he finished the race wet and exhausted. We are, therefore, going to need for Universal to pay for the drycleaning of his running clothes, a new bar of green-tea-infused soap (okay, for me) to rinse the mud away, and, um, a new pair of running shoes while they're at it.

Oh, and, I, uhhhhhhh, have had to shriek sometimes during stressful scenes in the show, and so my, em, ears hurt. But if Universal were to give me a dazzling pair of diamond earrings, my ears would feel eversomuch better.

Plus, the show has engendered in me a strong desire to pilot a Viper or a Cylon raider, so flying lessons would seem in order. And maybe a trip to another planet (tourist class is fine). And, er, in a few episodes they drink some gnarly-looking green liqueur, so I'll need a bottle of that...and some expensive cigars labeled "Last in this Planetary System"...and maybe a few of those cute tank tops the CAG pilots wear. Oops, and Edward James Olmos has some seriously awe-inspiring skin going on; to allay my fears of experiencing similar acne scars, only a lifetime supply of Proactiv Solution will do.

But really, being a reasonable woman and realizing this lawsuit is only a hobby, that should do it. Oh, wait, I guess I could also use a telephone with a cord. I don't have one of those, but apparently they do once the universe has been colonized in the future. How modernistic it would be of me to have the only house on the block that contains a phone with a cord that hooks into the wall!

And if Universal agrees to settle out of court and save us all on legal fees, I'll be more than glad to return to my cross-stitching just long enough to produce a little something to hang on the office wall of the CEO of Universal Studios:


Clearly, cross-stitching this would be a complicated project, hard to fit in between all my new hobbies of getting manicures, taking flying lessons, and holding cocktail parties,

but no thanks are necessary, Universal;

it's the least I can do.

26 comments:

my4kids said...

The people who put out that show whould be fraking sued I agree! hehe can you tell I watch also? It took me a bit to get used to some of the changes from the original but alas I do have dreams now also....

Princess Pointful said...

For a little guidance on what hasn't worked so well with such a hobby: www.stellaawards.com

susan said...

It's always good to have a hobby that will provide a little extra income. Good luck! :)

Glamourpuss said...

So let me clarify, it's a sci-fi serial drama? Hmmm, you need other diversions my dear.

Macaroons?

Puss

lime said...

you failed to give us the contact info for LSS so we can join in too. now i have never watched BG but i am so seriously addicted toblogging that i can a cramp in my neck and my herniated disk is killing me. i think blogger needs to provide for all my chiropractic care and a lifetime of weekly massage therapy performed by some buff dude who thinks my cellulite is charming and desirable.

Jazz said...

All I can tell you is do NOT get hooked on 24 on DVD... it's evil.

Jill said...

Battlestar Gallactica always makes me think of Lorne Green and Dirk Benedict and Richard Hatch as Apollo instead of that bad guy. I am truly out-of-date. Sigh.

furiousBall said...

I have heard the addictiveness of Battlestar and for that reason, I refuse to watch it. I was one of the last people in the 90s to not watch South Park. I think I actually held off until they made the movie. My will power can not be faded. Seriously, try to fade it.

Voyager said...

I have a half finished cross stitch I started ten years ago. We could trade! Unfortunately litigation is not a good hobby to take up in Canada. If you lose, you gotta cough up the other side's court costs. Really discourages frivolous lawsuits. Damn.
V.

My Reflecting Pool said...

What a fantastic hobby! I have a phone on a cord, hooked to the wall. All my neighbors thought I was nuts. THen I asked them what they would do in an emergency with no phone or chargers? Then my husband reminded me we had a cable dsl line. deep sigh, it still looks good on the wall.

Claire said...

Is Paris your NBFF? Manicures, diamond earrings? Do tell dahling!
Seriously, I have many half-done sewing, knitting and embroidery projects myself laying around the house taking up space and by their mere presence reminding me that I am slothful.

Awesome Mom said...

It should be a class action lawsuit. That show is driving me nuts too.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

You are divine. I think that your settlement should contain the proviso that you sit on the Board of Directors of Universal, which will, of course, require some extremely pricey beach front real estate in Malibu and a limo for those occasions when your presence is necessary, a salary in the twenty digits and a good chunk of stock.

My mother forced me to do cross-stitch as a child. I thought it was stupid as I preferred climbing trees. I'm sure she was concerned that she would never turn her daughter into a Girl, while I was determined not to be one, ever, if it meant that I would have to be a Lady someday.

Theresa said...

You should also ask that the settlement include an all-expense-paid trip to Spain in order to recover from your ordeal. We can get together and make some piƱa coladas...And hey, even do some cross-stitching if you want. I have just such a project, that I started when my oldest was born, which was 12 years ago. I now plan on finishing it by the time my grandchildren are born.

Diana said...

I have a phone with a cord that hooks into the wall. Should you win your lawsuit, I'll be glad to part with it for, say, $50K.

Just so you have a nice, round figure to factor into your settlement.

I'll even clean it up so all the years of grime are removed, unless you like that authentic, aged look?

Rhea said...

As a kid my mom gave me cross-stitching kit. I liked it, but it never 'took'. Don't do it anymore.

Lee said...

I once watched 39 hours of Six Feet Under in 4 days. Felt like a wormhole.

Except for the flying lessons, your new hobbies will fit in nicely should you decide to try hookering.

velvet girl said...

I think you've got a solid case here. Go for royalties in perpetuity. Gotta think of your future!

frannie said...

I am so glad I don't watch it--- I get addicted to everything!

Top cat said...

you are frightening me, this is too close to reality.
I think 54 million for a pair of pants is way too low. The man obviously suffered tremendous pain and suffering and even cried on the stand yesterday when talking about his pants.
Administrative judge eh?
tc

BeachMama said...

I tried cross stitch and it didn't work out. As for Battlestar, thanks for the advice so I won't even bother to try to watch it, I surely don't need to get addicted to another tv show

CS said...

With the exception of , I never stick with a hobby or a TV show. But I may hava to ponder the idea of other frivolous lawsuits I can initiate to bring in some cash and make the world idiot-proof.

Mother of Invention said...

Maybe you could start thr first chapter of Battlestar Gallactica Anon! I must admit, I don't watch this nor do I do stitchery...hmmm...I'm headed for disaster in retirement!

Dorky Dad said...

OH! So you've joined LSS! welcome. I hope you can come to the ice cream social!

Logophile said...

Ice cream social?
Well, I was going to take the moral high ground and condemn your new litigious hooby but since DD tells me there is ice cream involved I suddenly find myself more inclined to get involved.
Is there caramel and fudge sauce?

watching said...

Litigation is extremely expensive and I am not sure your claim could survive summary judgment, even though BSG is pretty addictive. As a former cross-stitch diva I say go back to the floss ... then you can sell your pretty pretty pictures for $$ that you make while watching BSG!