Thursday, May 22, 2008


"Token Diet"

Loathing my general wideness, I decided to try out "The Subway Diet." It worked for that Jared dude, after all, and he looked pretty trim and tidy wearing his khakis and specs in all those commercials. So I committed to the Subway.

But damn if I couldn't choke down all those metal parts. The sliding doors gagged me, and those resistant passenger seats just wouldn't break down, no matter how long I chewed.

After I broke a toof and gained approximately one subterranean ton of weight, I abandoned it as hopeless. I don't know which the hell transit system that Jared was munching on, but it sure wasn't the high-fat retired-Chicago-El cars that I was parceling out onto my dinner plate, bolt by bolt.

Why is dieting always so complicated? All I'd really wanted was a diet where I could eat a sandwich--turkey on wheat, piled high with veggies, perhaps.

Now I've got a spare tire hanging around my middle and a pile of shocks and plexiglass windows hanging out in my crisper drawer.

The good news is that I've just caught wind of something called the "South Beach" diet. Feeling optimistic, I'm thinking that sucking down a gruel of sand has got to be more gratifying than choking on a salad of screws ever was.

24 comments:

flutter said...

it's a good thing dr Atkins is dead....

Anette said...

Good luck with the sand munching! (sending over some tooth picks)

AmyTree said...

Strangely enough, both Subways tend to smell the same to me - like feet and despair...

chelle said...

hehe your sarcasm is so lovely.

Patience said...

Tilting my head in confusion. Oh yeah! Now I get it! Humor!!

Hahahahaha!!

furiousBall said...

you know what i like the most about food with carbs in them?

the taste.

i'm not double-jointed in either elbow too.

oh oh oh... how did he know that?

boo spooky spooky

Em said...

Very funny. But here's a thought. Forget the diet and enjoy your body just like it is! I'm betting your hubby already does. ;)

Jocelyn said...

Em--Never fear: I'm not really dieting. I'm rather addicted to big heaps of food, especially as they dribble down my throat.

Glamourpuss said...

You could always try dysentry - worked for me.

Puss

Jazz said...

Thanks, I really needed that laugh!

Mother Theresa said...

Sand vs. Metal....sand wins hands down. Not that I've tried either, but it's just intuition. Just watch out for dog doo. ;)

Minnesota Matron said...

Ah - I just blogged about the dramas of the Female Body, in a theoretical sense. The problem is that one can critique the whole cultural obsession with thinness, particularly for women, the hard lived truth is that life is easier when you're thinner. studies show that people treat you better AND generally, thinner is healthier. Makes flipping off fitness as part of patriarchy problematic (for me).

Not sure what the South Beach diet entails but I've stayed at the same weight my entire adult life with this: I eat about 80% veggies and the rest is fats, fruits, meats, seeds and the once a day grain.

Not that I keep track or anything. . . . of course, I also maintain that regime most of the time, not every single day. Sometimes a girl has to have her cake AND eat it too.

velvet said...

Hmmm, broken tooth from metal or slow grinding down of teeth by sand? I'm thinking that you're right. Sand.

SQT said...

So what do you do on weight watchers?? I really don't want to try and eyeball my ass all day.

lime said...

don't even consider atkins, that would be down right cannibalistic

liv said...

diets. ack. cannot. do. them.

and have a glorious 10 pounds extra on me right now.

hey, thanks my period, thanks former man friend, thanks robber, thanks stress.

susan said...

I'm thinking that subway diet could work if you happen to walk by a big magnet. You'll just be stuck there for a while and won't be able to eat anything.

Never thought about that, did you???

pistols at dawn said...

All bacon, all the time. It's not going to work, but at least I'll be happy.

Ann(ie) said...

HAAAAAAA! I hate diets. I love this humor. I'm coming with you to South Beach! But, if you need me I'll be sitting on the beach with many margaritas. :)

Princess Pointful said...

Oh dear...
I feel like I need an MP3 of some sitcom music on this one.

Diana said...

Really? And I thought all that metal would have been both high in minerals AND filling to boot.

Perhaps with a bit o' time and a bottle of milk of magnesia, you will see better results once the subway makes its transit?

There's always magnets. I hear they cure anything.

(Now I have that line from Raising Arizona in my head, "And when there was no crawdad, we ate sand.")

citizen of the world said...

You could do weight watchers and just sit in front of a mirror all day.

Say It said...

I hate diets. I hate eating right for life. I like cookies and doritos and m&m's. mmmmm. I think admiting it is the first step, but I can't seem to get to step two.

Jamie said...

Ug. Diets.
And double-ug. Subway.
One of my biggest pet peeves is what I call "subway shirt." Whenever I leave subway, my shirt smells horrible...like the fresh bread baking, only it isn't fresh.