Monday, September 08, 2008

"The Chicken/Egg Conundrum, Mammarily Speaking"

For me, the underlying question is this:


Was it Bristol Palin's massive Double Whammies that first attracted the Hockey Hunk who knocked her up?

Or did her sideboard of melons develop later, as a result of said knock-upage?

If so, and she was pancakeish in the chestal region pre-baby-baking, does this lack imply she might actually have other attributes that drew Hockey Hick into her panties?

Like, say, a remarkable personality? (I understand from her mother that Bristol is "strong and kind-hearted." All the best teen mothers are.)

Hmmm. I wouldn't bank on the personality. If it wasn't her boobies that snagged Hockey Honkey, it could only have been her thick, lustrous hair that turned his attention away from the puck.

...or the fact that she jumped out of her seat in the bleachers one time during a big pep ralley, holding a sign reading "Go, Trojans!" However, our Hockey Hero, a bit shakey in his literacy, read it as "No Trojans!"


At any rate, Bristols's got the healthy hooters now, ready to be rolled into the White House on a luggage cart and, one one fateful night, slapped on top of the Prime Minister of Trinidad and Tobago's china plate during a State Dinner when she storms in late after a fight with Baby Daddy, hauling Hockey Hobbit Junior on her hip. She'll huff to the table, toss the kid to Nicholas Sarcozy, and lay her rack right on top of the lucky Trinidadian dignitary's lamb. For her, this body language will smack of frustration and defeat; for the wide-eyed PM of TT, however, it will smack of hope and joy and the dawn of renewed relations between his "country" and Bristol's.

Our country's future lies in our youth.




And the negotiating power of their oversized Rib Balloons.

22 comments:

Chantal said...

LOL

Bob said...

I think that she was predestined to have a nice rack - I do believe bristols are slang for breasts in the UK. maybe Sarah & oil-man are anglophiles.

I guess they could've named her Casaba.

Her Grace said...

Rib balloons... nice one!

citizen of the world said...

I'm sorry - we're talking about an adolescent boy. Is there any girl one would turn away if sex is an option?

Maddy said...

This is why I always try and avoid having my photograph taken!

They say that the telly / photographs can put 10 lbs on you. If that were true I'd choose the optional illusion of a chest, one or two would do. However with my luck I'd just come off as having water retention in the ankles.
Cheers

liv said...

oh, who are you kidding? nobody's going to let her live in the white house. well, unless cheney, uh, i mean, mccain dies.

Jazz said...

God how I love thee Jocelyn...

Jamie said...

This should be scripted for an SNL Weekend Update or for the John Stewart show.

Shania said...

Could they have stuffed her into a tighter dress? Hilarious references esp. hockey hick.

Franki said...

Nah, it was da Boobs. It always is.

Well.

Unless it's the Ass.

pistols at dawn said...

As a former hockey player, I feel particularly qualified to say that many of my ilk love boobs. The more comically oversized, the better.

Diesel said...

In answer to citizen of the world - Chelsea Clinton comes to mind.

Todd Lund said...

The bottle with the nipple just visible in the far lower right corner of the photo is a touch of genius. I look forward to following your blog. Cheers,...

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

Goodness, they do have huge.... tracts of land in Alaska!

Mother of Invention said...

Man, this is so perfect! What a load of crap that whole thing is, every bit is so contrived! it will make for exciting "coverage" of every angle. Our election on Oct. 14, day after our Thanksgiving, will pale in comparison!

lime said...

oh! you mentioned trinidad and tobago! oh i am hopping around the room in joy.

oh gosh gyul, but i could see PM manning getting on bad wit bristol an asking she tuh wine she bamsee fuh he! (because i've met his wife hazel and i think she is uncharacteristically stiff for a trini woman. poor patrick!)

Glamourpuss said...

With a name like Bristol, she could hardly be anything other than spectacularly well endowed.

UK rhyming slang: Bistol City = titty.

Puss

heartinsanfrancisco said...

It's cold in Alaska, maybe even colder than Minnesota. She needs those fat cells to keep warm and to protect Hockey Dude from freezing to death in the igloo.

What I want to know is, if the McCain -Palin ticket loses, which I most sincerely hope they do, will these kids be allowed to go their own ways because surely a forced marriage between two high school kids cannot make anyone happy except, perhaps, the bride's mother?

Ann(ie) said...

Lordy you crack me up, girl!!! LMAO.

Minnesota Matron said...

McCain is banking on those babies (all 5 -- boobies, parents, fetal unit).

Anonymous said...

Well, as a former athlete(High School WR) I will say that it was the boobs or the ass, but no amount of boobage is worth having a kid at 18.