"She Had Eight Weeks to Work on Her Final Essay, a Period of Intense Craftsmanship That Resulted in This Opening: 'Are kids still talking to their parents? Well, some are but most don’t talk the old fashion way or the way they should, they now talk to their parents through texting and emails and once in a while, if you are lucky, a phone call (most likely from a cell phone)'"


Gasping, flailing, wiping gunk from my eyes, I'm surfacing, turning my face up from the mass of research papers that has consumed my energies in recent days. Students have told me that Americans are obese; water is scarce; language is overly casual; music should be freely downloadable; smoking bans are good; coral reefs are dying; modern animation rules; and BPA might be dangerous.

Slap my knee and call me Tiffany, but I'll be damned if they're not right.

Yup, I'm swimming along with their opinions, gliding through the pages, occasionally taking a break to stand up and keep rice-sized blood clots from forming in my legs.

And when I stand up, I look out the window. Well, shitbam.

Somebody put nine inches of snow out there and shut the town down when I wasn't looking. Here I just gave Krystal an "A" for hepping me up about global warming, and during the grading, the Abominable Snowman sneezed and shook his dandruff on the house.

Easily, my grading break lengthens from a leg shaking to out-and-out abandonment of duties. I not only need to prevent rice-sized blood clots from forming in my legs, but I also need to prevent student prose from clotting my brain.

Clearly, it's time for us to strap things to our feet.



This one is eight. She's a better skiier than I.

In my defense, I'm only six on the inside.



That one there is five. I urged him to jump into the street and notify any passing eighteen wheelers of his presence by waving his poles around wildy should they bear down on him.



I cannot convince the obstinate lad to ask for his two front teeth for Christmas. He's all, "Who even cares about toofs, Mom? I want some Star Wars legos. Santa can keep the buckers."



When skis get tiring (sort of like the continuing speculation about Katie Holmes' tense friendship with Victoria Beckham), we move to the bear claws. My tastes being more refined, I often attach French crullers to mes pieds.



After an hour's romp, Niblet is more than ready to "act like Mommy grading research papers."

Inspired by the drama of his body language, I head back inside and bring my computer out of its hibernation.

"Paradise White"





Look at them, those long, white, snowy lines of powder.

I spent all last weekend snorting them up.

It was quite a binge.

Two weeks ago, I was jonesing for snow.

But then I pawned my fishtank, sold some plasma, and scrounged for loose change in the sofa cushions. And whaddya know...I got me some, and after the flakes fell, I started frollicking in the stuff around the clock, neglecting sleep, friends, and work as I went on my spree.

In fact, I'm still coming down from a lost weekend of unrestrained, immoderate self-indulgence.

Some people looked at our newly-fallen gutter glitter and thought, "Well, iddn't that purty?" In our household, however, we were like Aaron Sorkin with a new coke mirror, pack of razor blades, and rolled up Benji in his quivering hands: we went a little wacky on the junk.

We got amped on skijoring.

We got high from the howls of of sled dogs.

We ate weasel dust tossed onto our faces by a slew of runners at the start of the 2007 U.S. National Snowshoe Championships outside of Minneapolis (you rocked it, Groom!).

Seven kilometers into the race, Groom redefined "blow" as he whooshed past.

Because our addiction naturally translates into a cycle for the children, even Girl took off down the dusty roads.

A little later in the day, a friend and I (shout out to i-jim!) reveled in Lady Snow, as well, running the Citizens' race at the championships; #102 suits me, doncha think? And note how my triumphant finish rallied the crowd, rousing them to a series of cheers and chants of "Jocelyn, Jocelyn, Jocelyn." Either that, or they spurred me to the finish line through their passionate indifference.

After racing off our jitters, we spent the rest of the afternoon inner tubing down those long lanes of powder that started this post. At the end of each run, we'd stop and mist a little Ocean Spray up our nostrils, just to fool the bouncers.

Later, in the absence of any national championship, though, we still continued our toot through Mama Blanca, hefting the kids off the deck (There's a sink or swim moral here, right? We're really just giving the kids a lesson of the streets).

And now, at the end of my binge, I feel like I've been run over by an eighteen-wheeler, I'm shaking and wet, and I'm reconciled to taking about twelve steps towards Spring.

Time to look at green buds for a few months, drag out the flip-flops, and dim the snow lights.