Wednesday, December 10, 2008

"Safety in Popsicles"

I love winter for ninety-eleven reasons:

1) When I wear snowshoes, my size 10 hooves actually feel petite in comparison. This is also why I sometimes sport a pair of huge "We're #1" foam hands when I teach sign language.

2) Scarves are the accessory that can never go wrong. I read this in Isadora Duncan's biography.

3) Cold temperatures create a perfect excuse to stomp inside and sip on a hot cup of cocoa...or, better yet, to bypass the cocoa and simply pour Kahlua into a mug.

Frankly, I bypass the mug and pour the booze directly into my gaping maw.

Oh, all right. I bypass the Kahlua and chug Isopropyl, Kitty Dukakis style. She, too, loved a good snowball fight--before the rubbing-alcohol-induced blindness set in. At least we now have an excuse for "throwing like girls."

4) If I view my reflection in a piece of ice, my crow's feet are hardly discernible. Frozen water mirrors are hella cheaper than laser surgery.

5) When I pour juice into a cup of snow, I am catapulted back in time to age six at the Yellowstone County Fair, to a day when I had a really kickarse snowcone. Fortunately, with my homemade snowcone, eaten far away from the 4-H cow barns, I don't even have to cry when I trip and drop it. I just dive to all fours and start lapping.

Pride and snowcones are poor bedfellows.

6) When I go cross-country skiing, my vocal chords get a much-needed limbering up; you better believe I'm a screamer on them hills. Post-ski, my throat thoroughly warmed, I'm ready to come home, spin a disc, and hit all Mariah Carey's high notes.

Incidentally, if I ever do willingly remain in the presence of a Mariah Carey song, please grab an ice pick and stab it into my frosty white buttocks. Then do it some more.

7) Ice skates = the poor man's Ginsu knife. Many a loaf of foccacia has regretted my triple lutz.

8) Before the cold really hits, when local ice is still in its infancy, having Niblet sit on a lakeside cliff and tush-sled downwards is a tad worrisome. However, once a solid, fierce coldsnap hits and holds, his airborn descent is no longer given final punctuation by a "splash"


but, rather, after a silent Wile E. Coyote moment of hovering mid-air between cliff and lake, our lad hits the frozen ice mattress of Lake Superior with a dull "thud."

What a relief that he won't drown.


(look at this patsy priss-priss of a lake way back in November; it's all "Oooh, look at my freely-churning waves." But no more, friend. No more. Slowly, gradually, the little flirt is hardening into a surface reminiscent of Nicole Kidman's forehead, capable of no natural movement.)

Way to go, Winter.

20 comments:

flutter said...

winter rocks

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I get so excited when I see you have posted. You are like, totally, my favorite blog to read:).

And I only wish global warming had not caught up to us here in Warsaw and we had ice and snow to deal with. So far, 2nd winter in a row with no snow.

Pam said...

Great post. Absolutely love that last shot! Here in Australia I remember Nicole Kidman when she was about 18, red cork-screw curls and very animated.It's how I like to think of her.

chelle said...

I totally love winter, yet long for warmer days :)

furiousBall said...

you nailed it, winter is mother nature's botox

Jazz said...

Well, when you put it that way....

Naw, it still doesn't work for me.

lime said...

LOL, where do i even begin here. i guffawed through so much of this but the frozen lake as an image of nicole kidman's forehead....yer killin' me.

J and J Acres said...

Winter is so not my thing. Getting to work while it's dark and getting home while it's dark? Not so fun.

It does change the scenery though!

That Chick Over There said...

I love scarves. Like, ridiculous amounts of love.

Princess Pointful said...

The air just seems to have more oxygen this time of year! It doesn't feel like winter until I get out of the city, though... one more week!!

Wendy said...

we're about to have a blast of cold here and I'm getting excited. hope my supply of hot chocolate holds!

Dorky Dad said...

I like winter for about three weeks. But once Christmas is past, then my love for it is totally gone. But I do enjoy complaining about it.

Chantal said...

See I asked for reasons to like winter and you listed a ton. I need all the help I can get.

velvet said...

Winter is the season of sleeping under a lovely pile of heavy blankets at night. Unfortunately, a toasty pile of blankets makes me want to hibernate instead of getting out of bed and being productive. Hey, can't have everything.

cathy said...

Now that you mention it there was a bit of a chill in the air before they set Athens on fire.

franki said...

i'm glad you added that endnote to the mariah carey one, because i was having the hardest time imagining you and mariah.

you can keep winter. i'll take the rest of the seasons.

rak said...

I actually, for a second, thought, "she really listens to Mariah Carey?"...then I kept reading :)

pistols at dawn said...

I think if you live in certain areas, you'd best make your peace with winter. That, or do what I did, and flee, screaming in a manner even your fiercest promoter would describe as "girlish."

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Was Isadora's autobiography written posthumously? By the mischievous scarf, perchance?

If Nicole Kidman wanted her forehead to move, I'm sure her staff of assistants would do it for her. Kitty Dukakis should have delegated some of her chugging to devoted underlings, too.

Some people just can't handle wealth. Or, money is wasted on the rich.

Glamourpuss said...

I have to visit - I've never experienced winter like that. And I've never had a 'snow cone'. Oh, and Nicole Kidman scares me.

Puss